An Apple a Day!!

30 Years of Apple Products. Check the coverage by Wired. This and this.

Flop Show

Just found a few episodes on the LAN. Has to be the best show ever in the history of television.
Here's something for people like me who collect useless pieces of information. Jaspal Bhatti is in fact a graduate from PEC, Chandigarh.

I really loved the title track.

Writerrrrrrrrr, Fighterrrrrr
Writer, Fighter, Producer, Director, Singer, Actor unhahahaha
Lineman, unhahahaha
Cameraman, Everyman
FLOP!!!!!
Flop Show, Flop Showww, Flop Show, Flop Showwww, Flop Show

Made for Multiplex

I weighed 75 kgs when I came to college. Lost 10 kgs in the first semester. Thanks to soccer. Stopped playing sometime in 2nd year. Am again 75. So, I realise that to have even remote chances of having a girlfriend, I need to lose flab.
Decided on yesterday as the day to go back to the field. Took out soiled studds and wiped them clean. And as I was about to go out, a friend came over and asked me if I wanted to go for a movie. All plans to lose weight take a backseat and I hence go for Being Cyrus-another one amongst today's made for multiplex going audience.
Now that is one term I have never been able to understand. Are these movies made for those who can shell enough money to go to a multiplex? This does not apply to me since English movies in multiplexes in Gujarat cost you just 30 bucks. Or does it mean that only the urban, hip-hop pseudo-intellects can understand the movie. Of all the movies that have been categorised in this genre, I have found only Hyderabad Blues to be original. And this movie actually came out at the time when there were few or no multiplexes.

Coming to Being..., it had received mighty reviews before it opened and I thought it to be some mind-blowing stuff. I wouldn't say that it was bad, but there was nothing new in the film. And the story was predictable. Parsee family-old man who is ill treated, scheming women, bawa log cussing in Gujarati, adultery..you get what I mean.
To cut the story, it was you regular saas bahu shit made in English with some random mumb-jumbo thrown in which tried to portray it as some high-level intellectual bak-that's the term we use to describe everything that's nonsense.
O.K., I may have gone a bit too far calling it saas bahu. There were a few thrills towards the end. But trust me, we had better thrillers in the 60s and 70s- Gumnaam, Humraaz, Teesri kasam et al. And, they were made in Hindi with simple and entertaining storylines.
I know this will be hailed as path-breaking, ground breaking film when the reality is that it was just another film. Seriously, had this been made in hindi with an item number thrown in, it would have been a total paisa vasool time-pass for me.

Moral of the Story: Never sacrifice football for anything.

P.S. Nice chicks from NIFT had come for the show. And boy, that was a treat to the eyes after a long time. I seriously need to lose weight.

The Heroes

Ramdi at Poona..Aaaargh :x

The Brand Equity was held at Poona the day before. And it goes from bad to worse.

Not only did they have to answer tricky (and embarrassing) questions like “What does the number and the letter stand for in 34-B, 38-C or 36-A?”. They also had to keep a straight face as Quizmaster General Ramdi poked fun at the research they must have done to be sure of that answer.

-Economic Times, 20th March 2006

Of Wars, Army, Rural Internship and Or*y

Just putting down some stories- the kind of stuff people send to Reader's Digest. I am not translating the parts in hindi. They lose their flavor.

1. This was in the year '99. The watchman at the school was a relieved (of his service, that is) 50 year-old jawan(?) who looked 70, and man, he was a chimney. Used to smoke 10 packs of cigarettes flat. The only work he was supposed to do was to say, 'chaliye chaliye' to us at the gate when the school got over.
   I stayed back after school one day, had some work. While leaving, I struck a conversation with the old man. As he put out the umpteenth cig that day, I told him, "itna cigarette mat piya kar baba, mar jaayega." The old man quips, " Arey jung mein dushman ki goli mera kuch nahin bigaad paayi, yeh cigarette kya balaa hai." Kargil had just happened. I was this 13 year old kid and got excited at the prospect of hearing a war story.
   Prodding him, I asked, "kaunsi ladaai mein gaye the?"
   "Sab mein, '65 mein, '71 mein". It was building up nicely. The old man was happy that there was someone to ask him about his life. Few details here and there, and then I ask, "yeh to bataao, aapne kitne dushman maare?"
   He thought for a moment and then answered, "arey maarne walon ne maare honge, main to truck chalata tha"
   
2. Had this famous slogan in school. "jiska koi nahin hota, uski fauj hoti hai". Coined by a friend who knew that he was going to flunk the maths exam, managed to steal the answer books from the teacher's. His conscience weighed him down, and when he went to put the answer books back-I know this is filmy, but true- was caught by the peon. Thrashed and humiliated everywhere, he said the immortal words. Right now, he's the sergeant at NDA-fifth term.
3. We have our Rural Internship at the end of first year of engineering. We are supposed to gain first hand experience of the problems faced by the people living in the villages. Went to this remote village in Gujarat. First day, went around the village-talking to people and conducting general surveys.
   So, there's an old woman sitting at the well. We go to her and ask her if she knows hindi.
   Get No reply. One of my friends tries his hand at Gujarati,"tamaro naam su che?" No reply. The friend again, "Aapka naam kya hai?,err.. I mean what's your name". Till date he defends himself having said that.
4. This one takes the cake. Tony at his best, giving us gyaan.
   Orgy
   Ever wondered why is it called so even though its all about love making in a different way but dosent have 's' or 'e' or 'x'in its name nor 'l' or 'v' or 'e'? Well my life time research brings some fruit-ful results. It derives it name from two ancient Hindi words, namely 'aur' and 'ji'. At this point you might ask why only Hindi? Well the very notion of sex as a pleasurable act was first established in India and Kamasutra is the worlds most ancient adult magazine. Lets not divert from our main topic of discussion. 'Aur' means more and 'ji' is added as a mark of friendliness or to show respect or show modesty like its used in 'masterji'. So an English translation of 'Aur-ji' would be 'more please'. So now you see 'orgy' is just the appropriate name for love making where instead of just 2 partners, we have more.
   For more of these, if you are on orkut, join this community. Here's a caveat. Joining the community may not be a pleasant experience for everyone.
   

Ah Ambala!!

Quick Facts.

1. They say if Barbie was to be scaled to real life proportions, she would have a size-39 bust. If Malgudi were to be scaled to present day proportions, it would be bigger than Ambala.
2. There are more rodents than people watching movies in a theatre.
3. The recent claim to fame was Madhvan sacrificing his life trying to save the town in 'Rang De Basanti'. Reports in the local media suggest that this was the first time a movie ran to half the theatre capacity in Ambala. The theatre is run by the Army and it screens pirated copies of movies.
4. After eight in the evening you only hear the dogs bark or the voice of pathi of the mohalla gurudwara.

I was born in Bombay but have spent most of my life in Ambala. You won't find the city on most of the maps of India with the exception of Railway Maps and Air Force bases maybe. Everything about the city except it's geographical size is fat and Punjabi, though they actually mean the same.
Let me get into the history of the place. There are many theories behind the name Ambala. It's considered to be a distortion of the word Ambwala, beacuse of the large number of Mango orchards around the city. Another version says that the place has been inhabited since the times of Mahabharata and was the state of Princess Ambika.
The documented history begins with the establishment of the British cantoment in the early 19th century. It gained more importance after the Karnal Cantonment was moved after the plague of 1841. Historians attribute the above mentioned condition of the cinema halls to that incident.

I would like to create a subpost here of the dictionary of the terms for places in the cantonment which you will find more or less consistent throughout India.

1. Mall Road: The road where in the evening you find bald, big moustachioed Army officers who take their equally ferocious dogs for a walk. Generally, you can't differentiate between the two species.
2. Lal Kurti: No, it's not the title of the song from David Dhawan's latest flick. Supposed to be the market exclusive to the British soldiers in the Raj Days. Called so, because of the red coat they used to wear.
3. Sadar Bazar: The market for the commoners.
4. Kali Paltan: The barracks for the soldiers of Indian origin.

The following are exclusive to Ambala and I am proud of it. I don't think I need to explain what they mean.

1. Chidimaar Mohalla
2. Kabadi Bazaar

I am having fun writing this. Remembering all the stories of childhood. Cut to the present. In this city everyone knows everyone. Probably the reason why no girl ever agreed to go out with me. It's another thing that this is the exactly reason I never asked any girl to go out with me.

The populace is straight out of Mira Nair's Monsoon Wedding, which is generally true for any Punjabi town. There's no Neha Dubey though

Of late, there has been lots of money flowing in the city. Reason being, the more than flourishing cloth business. Ambala is the cloth market of the region. And surprise, we have our own multiplex coming up. When I told this to a friend who left Ambala 5 years back, her reaction was, "I always thought Ambala can only have more and more chaat shops opening up."

If by any chance-which is once in a million-you happen to come to the city, visit the following places.

1. Om Restaurant, Sadar Bazar-A shanty right in the middle of a throbbing market. Serves the god damn best cheese toast in the world.
2. Kaka Chaat Shop- Paani Puri in 5 different flavors. I've never had anything better
3. Pooran Singh da Dhaba, Bus Stand- Go there for the chicken. Beware though, there are about 10 dhabas by the same name. Give me a call. I'll guide you to the right one.
4. Shambhu Sarai- Now, I guess most of the Ambalvis would be unaware of this. Go on the G.T. Road towards Patiala. About 20 kms from Ambala, you'll find a fort of sorts on the right. Built as a rest house for travellers during the Mughal Times. Beautiful Place.
5. Peer Baba, Sector-7- Nice little tomb of a Muslim peer. People from Pakistan used to come for the Annual Urs right until the 70s.
   

If you've come this far, you are the second most useless person in this world. The first of course, is myself. Thanks for reading this, though.

My Sweet Revenge

I was 13 when I went for the Bournvita Quiz Contest. That was seven years back. I belong to a small town with about 3 or 4 decent schools, so it was easier for me to get through.
The quarter-final was surprisingly a cakewalk-won against schools from Poona (the spelling is intentional, I like it that way), Bangalore and Rourkela. Ran into rough weather in the semis. Came fourth. If you all remember, the speed round used to end with a spelling. We were supposed to spell lieutenant. Messed up the e and u and it was curtains to our campaign.

The semi-final was aired some 8 months after it was shot. I guess I haven't mentioned that I belonged to Army School. So, one week after the telecast, Mr. Derek O'Brien sends a letter addressed to the Principal of the school ridiculing the institution and saying that it was a shame that a student of Army School couldn't spell Lieutenant. I was never told of the letter but came to know about it through subtle hints. And boy, did that hurt.

I had forgotten everything about that incident until today. It was the Ahmedabad regionals of the Brand Equity Quiz conducted by the great Derek himself. It's supposed to be a corporate quiz, so went there as audience. As I entered the venue, saw a fat ass conducting the prelims. As the prelims get over she says, "You have been a great audience. It's getting dark and the weather's also pretty awesome. We will have fun".
What the %^*& was that??

So, after 10 minutes we see the great Derek dressed as a Russian Army general called RAMDI.
Refered to the two kindergarten girls who accompanied him on stage as his "privates". And the fat ass was called Brig. Bhavna. The whole quiz was filled in with lewd comments on Business terms and the quizmaster making mockery of the participating teams and the audience. It ended with everyone cussing the quizmaster. And all that in a strange way took me back seven years and made me happy.

Though the prizes were huge, first prize was 150 grands and I hope to participate 2 years down the line, this I pray, should be the last time I had seen Derek O'Brien.

A new blog's up. The previous attempts were bad. Not that I am a good writer, but if you feel yourself that you write bad, I guess you should start off again. Another reason was that I wanted to have some part of the name my parents gave me in the url. So, rahul-bhaskar it is.